I *really* wanted a cable modem. I was tired of hearing my high-wired friends boasting about five minute downloads on files that took me several hours. I was tired of having to keep a book or magazine by my computer to read while I was loading chunky Web sites. My mother-in-law has a cable modem, fer chrissakes! I'm an Internet pioneer...a semi-well-known cyberpundit! I wrote the first book on Mosaic and the World Wide Web! I WANT MY CABLE MODEM!

So imagine my delight when a rep from Cable TV Arlington, our local cableco, called and asked me to be a beta tester for their new ExpressNet cable modem service. I was psyched. I'd be one of the first in Arlington to get wired. "Incredible speeds in excess of 50-150 times faster than your current 28.8 phone line." Wow, "in excess" of those speeds! Man, that's fast. I couldn't wait. The fact that I've never been very happy with the cable service we get from CTVA, and that I could've put a down payment on a house with all the money I've shoveled into their coffers over the years, should have tempered my enthusiasm, but somehow I thought this would be different. I ask when they can come and set up the beta unit. "How about tomorrow at 2," says The Cable Guy. I had to wonder a bit when he adds: "It'll be four or five technicians. We're training them in installing the systems." Jesus, I wasn't sure I could even fit that many people into my office, but I tell him to bring 'em on.

ExpressNet's Com21 modem is about the size of
a toaster oven and runs about as hot.

At two the next day, they're a no-show. The cable guy calls to say that there's been a technical problem and that they'll have to postpone. They'll call when they're ready. Close to two weeks go by without a call. When they first called to set up the appointment, it was the middle of the month. I asked how long the beta test period would be. They told me just 'til the first of the following month. So, I'd have the modem for fifteen days. This wasn't much time, but it would at least get me on-board early and I wouldn't have to pay the US$150 set-up fee. I also asked in the first conversation about the monthly charge. "We haven't set that yet but it'll probably be somewhere around $24.95/month," says Cable Guy. Only $5 more than my current monthly ISP charge. Not bad. I can live with that...even five or ten dollars more. They didn't call again 'til the last few days of the month. By this time, I'm jonesin' for my modem. I tell them to come out immediately.

Three guys show up. Think: the Three Stooges with work belts and two-way radios. There are so many wacky stories I could tell you about the several hours (that's right, several hours) we all spent together stuffed into my office, but I'll only share a few:

* When they first arrived, one guy starts making a move towards my Mac. Ah...no...as I'm sure you're aware, Cable Guy, your modem is only available for PCs at the moment. See that computer over there, running something called Windows 95? *That's* the PC. This one, with the funny-lookin' OS and the rainbow-colored Apple? That's called a Mac.

* They look so lost that at one point, I joke: "When you guys took this job [as cable guys], did you ever think you'd become computer geeks?" "We *are* the computer geeks," one of them shoots back. "That's *why* we got this job." Yikes! I guess the cableco hired a bunch of discount computer techs. Buy 'em in bulk and save!

* I'm shooting the breeze with one of the techs about cable modems. He says: "Yeah, it should be interesting to see how this technology shakes out. I'm gonna wait 'til all of the bugs are worked out before I get my own." One of the other techs shoots him a dirty look. The first one changes his tune: "Nah, I'll probably just get one right away."

* Before they get to work, they make me look over and sign a contract which basically says that if they completely screw up my machine, they're not responsible. My hands start sweating. At this point, I'm not filled with confidence towards these clowns, but I decide to sign anyway. Oh wait, there's no ending date on here. "What's the ending date of the test period?," I ask (at this point guessing the answer): "April 1st," is the reply...two days away! Ummm...that's not much of a beta test period, is it? The guy convinces me that it's still worth doing to get the installation fee waived and to jump ahead of the line of cable modem subscribers which is already long and growing by the day. With visions of instant downloading dancing in my head, I throw all caution to the wind and sign on the dotted line.

* They ask to borrow our drill so they can drill a hole to the outside for the cable. "You don't have your own drill?," my wife asks in amazement. They have a drill but no bits. My wife goes down to the basement in search of our case o' bits. Of course, our bits aren't long enough. They need serious bits, ones that can drill through window sills and brick walls. Gee, you'd think that they'd bring their own stinkin' bits. One guy has to go to get one. We all wait.

* Once they got the hardware and software set up (after lots of wrestlin' with the cover on my computer, IRQ conflicts, ethernet cards, etc.) they can't get Dial-Up Networking to recognize the new host. They haven't seemed to want my help during this whole process and are probably annoyed that I'm breathing down their necks while they're trying to work (and little do they know, I'm also taking notes for an article!). Their bodies are positioned so that I can't really see what's going on, but after about 20-30 minutes of them all crowded around the screen, pointing and arguing over what's happening, and consulting with the home office on the phone, I'm tired of having these bozos in my workspace. It takes me about 10 seconds to figure out what's going on (my other ISP host is still filled in on the DNS Configuration tab in the TCP/IP-->Dial-Up Adapter properties). They remove the host and everything works fine.

Once they got the unit set up, they ran the DOS FTP program. As the little hash marks loaded onto the screen, the speed looked really slow to me. At the end of the download, it turned out to be 90 Kbps. They tweaked something in the Registry and downloaded the file again. This time it claimed 218 Kbps. "Not bad," said the Cable Guys as they stumbled out of the office. In actual usage, however, I never got anywhere near those speeds. I was probably lucky to get 30 Kbps.

When I called to complain, they gave me a big song and dance about times of day, still working the bugs out of the system, possibly too many peripheral devices connected, etc. Their modem is also telco return (meaning you still need a modem and a free phone line to send all of the upstream commands), so they said that connecting to a site can still be slow. It was, but so wasn't the downstream rates. But they also said they'd look into it. I had every intention of having them do so until I got the official ExpressNet mailing and a form to fill out if I wanted to continue beyond the beta period. They had a $25 rate all right, but that was only for ten hours of access. Ten hours? I do that much in a day! For $45, you get 30 hours, and for $65, you get unlimited access. Thanks, but no thanks. Not at these speeds. They gave the beta testers 'til the end of the month to decide. I waited 'til the last minute and then called them and told them to come get their slow-poke cable modem. The guy who came to remove it was different than the three stooges who installed it, but he seemed no less flaky (there was a fourth Stooge, you know). After he uninstalled everything and was on his way out, he tried to leave through the hall closet. Somehow this just about summed up the whole experience. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

I went to my mother-in-law's house for Easter and got to see how a *real* cable modem works. I was amazed. You can't play on a cable modem without having an overwhelming feeling that *this* is how the Net should work and that the Internet won't really become a serious media outlet, a true contender, until everyone is connecting at these speeds. But for now, I'm back to 28.8 and 56.6. In the end, I took one of the cable guy's advice and am waiting to see how this technology shakes out. I'm sure his supervisor would be proud.

- Gareth Branwyn [5/8/98]