Assuming you've had an email account for more than two weeks, you've surely read the apocryphal story of the woman who called tech support and thought that the CD-ROM drive tray was a retractable coffee cup holder. The person who emailed it to you may have even claimed to have direct knowledge ("a close friend," "a friend of a friend," etc.) of this "cyburban myth."

But if you thought, "nobody would ever do anything that stupid," think again.

"That kind of thing happens absolutely every day," according to Rick Schneider, a former Tech Support (TS) specialist for Pacific Bell Internet. "There's at least one absolutely beyond-goofy call every day that you sit down to answer the phones."

For example, there was the time Schneider received a call from a woman seeking help installing her dial-up Internet software.

"She said that she got the software out of her modem," recalls Schneider. 'I said, uh, you can't do that, it's hardware.' She said, 'but I did.' I asked her to describe the modem. She said it's cardboard, and she pulled the little tab out and pulled out the disks. For some reason, she thought the cardboard floppy sleeve was her modem!"

Listening to Schneider recount story after story about confused users who've called him, one comes to realize that TS specialists are the witch doctors of the '90s: part psychologist, part diviner, and part encyclopedia. While their work certainly requires actual technical knowledge, oftentimes, all that's needed is good and patient communications skills.

"Part of being tech support is realizing the purely psychological, non-technological role you play in the user's computing experience," says Steve Volan, President of Bluemarble Information Services. "You know how oftentimes you'll call a company up for help, and then realize the solution just as someone on the other end says 'hello'? I've done that quite a bit. I've also been on the receiving end of many a call that was asking a "lazy" tech support question--the user should have been able to figure it out himself, but didn't want to. I've found that a quick way to address questions like this is to ask the caller if you can put him or her on hold for a bit. Then wait 30 to 60 seconds. A certain number of people will say, 'Oh, never mind, I figured it out. Thanks anyway!' And your work is done."

Let's face it: each of us, when we first touched a computer, were what TS folk call "lusers:" completely clueless users. If we were lucky, we were introduced to the digital age by someone who knew a bit about computers, and was willing to share their knowledge until we got up to speed. Otherwise, we were stuck with one of two options: RTFM (Read The F*cking Manual) or call tech support.

Unfortunately for Schneider, and those thousands like him in TS departments around the country, most lusers act like they're incapable of reading.

For example, there was the guy who called Amy Young-Leith, a TS specialist for a small ISP in Bloomington, Indiana. The guy couldn't understand why he couldn't dial up his ISP while talking to her on his only phone line.

"I spent five minutes trying to explain to him, 'Sir, with only one phone line, you are limited to only one phone call at a time,'" Young-Leith recalls. 'For instance, if you are talking to me, your daughter cannot get on the phone and call someone else. The computer cannot get on the phone and place a call either."

To which the man replied, "Yeah, but the computer doesn't talk."

I could go on. For every TS specialist, there is a stash of priceless tales of users who confuse hardware with software, confuse monitors with CPUs, and so on. And, more often than not, they end up calling the wrong TS department for help.

The reason, according to many in the industry, is that most people feel it's easier to call TS before confronting the problem themselves.

Scott Underwood is the former TS manager for a 350-person Bay area company. "Though our 'customers' were largely degreed engineers, they still suffered from something we called 'learned helplessness,'" says Underwood. "Even though many of them were familiar with computers, they'd still rush to phone us rather then spend a couple of minutes thinking about their problem. It's as if they were driving a car, and they used the cell phone to say, 'I can't drive. I heard a bang and a flapping sound, and the car pulled to the right.' And we have to ask, 'Did you get out to check the tires?'"

Rick Schneider believes this attitude is pervasive not only amongst computer newbies, but throughout our society. "America has trained people to do this," opines Schneider. "Why read? Tech support is free. Free things have no value to most people. If someone's standing on the street corner handing out cigarettes, people take them, even if they don't smoke. They won't use it, but it's free so they take it, even though it's valueless to them."

All That's Left to Do is Smile, Smile, Smile

It's enough to make the friendliest TS go postal. And it happens. Just ask Street Tech editor Gareth Branwyn about his recent TS experience. Indeed, for many users and lusers alike, calls to TS departments can be less fun than a root canal--and often take just as long.

"It's a tough job, and industry-wide, a nine-month burn-out rate isn't unusual," says Schneider. "Luckily, I don't have to do tech support anymore, and I wouldn't go back to it if my life depended on it."

Schneider, for his part, recognizes that the frustration can build quickly if a TS allows it to. "There are times when you just want to shout at these people," Schneider admits. "You're on the phone all day long being hammered by Yabos with the same damn question all day long. Or the News Server's down, and all these people are bent out of shape, and they wanna tell you why they're bent, and the fact that they had to wait in a queue for twenty minutes to tell me so just pisses them off even more. By ranting, they're slowing down a hundred other people, but they don't care, because they wanna vent."

The best antidote? Kill 'em with kindness. "I don't easily get ruffled or angry, and I'm generally upbeat," says Underwood. "It's very easy to make the customers into enemies, and we often joked about them around the office. A lot of people like playing with and fixing computers and enjoy that aspect of their job, but the people side of it eludes them. I had pretty good luck with my crew, but it was a struggle sometimes to get them to be more diplomatic and service-oriented."

But the nice person on the phone may not be so when he or she stops answering questions.

"I put the headset on mute a lot," says Schneider. "And while the caller drools on their keyboard, I look over at the guy next to me and say: 'I've got a good one here.' Also, in each customer record in our database, we keep notes on our tech support interactions. And so, while I'm waiting for these people to mop up the drool off their keyboards, I'd make my little editorial comments so that the next time someone deals with them and pulls up their record, they can be forewarned that the person is absolutely clueless."

Still, Schneider makes sure to put on a happy face when he turns off the mute. "I can't be too obnoxious and horrible, because this is why we all have jobs," Schneider points out. "If everyone knew this stuff, we'd be out of a job."

Before you call...

Think. And learn. After all, if you don't want to learn a least a little bit about how your computer works, then you probably shouldn't have one. All of the sales hype aside, computers are still not very user friendly, and learning about them takes some time and a little investment in brain power.

"I find it frustrating that people want everything in the world to be one-button simple," laments Young-Leith. "While of course things should be made as easy as possible, you cannot effectively use most resources without possessing skills and an understanding of them. If you want the benefit of something, you should be willing to put out a smidgen of effort to learn about it. Basic computer usage (writing a letter in a word processor, surfing Web pages) is very simple, if you simply take some time to learn the basics and think about what you want to do with a computer."

If, after reading the manuals, looking at online FAQs, thinking about the problem, and retracing your steps, you still can't figure out why your monitor's blank, your files have all disappeared, or why you can't get an Internet connection, take the time to prepare before you call a tech:

1. Make sure you can talk on the phone AND work with your computer at the same time. While the problem with your machine or software may be simple, it could require numerous steps to fix it--tough to do when you're running back and forth from the phone in the living room to the computer in the den.

2. Gather all relevant disks, manuals, serial numbers, and notes in front of you. Don't make TS wait while you run next door to retrieve the Win95 disk you lent to your neighbor.

3. Breathe deeply before you dial. Most TS folk will be much more helpful when treated nicely. Remember: they probably didn't personally make your machine or software. It's probably not their fault and you're not the first angry caller they've dealt with today. It's also helpful if you have a hands-free headset telephone. That way, you can work on the computer (or do something else) while you're on hold. This helps to relieve a lot of stress if you're on hold for a long time. If the phone call's free and you're doing other work, what do you care how long it takes?

4. Be direct, specific, and thorough when explaining your problem and the steps you've tried. It's also a good idea to be familiar with the terms that are used (most manuals have glossaries), and if you've been reading the sections of the manual related to your problem (like a good little netizen), you should know what the components are called. Talking to a tech and saying: "It's that square plastic thing you put into that slit on the big beige box with the blinking green light on it," will not win over your tech support person.

5. If you have a hardware problem (let's say you've just installed a sound card that's not working), make sure you can take the cover off of your computer while you're on the phone (a headset phone works wonders here too). You should also have a basic computer toolkit and know how to use it. If you're not comfortable with these tools and working under the hood of your PC, you should have a tech install cards, memory, and other internal upgrades.

6. Always address the TS as Bob. [Just kidding]

7. And, always keep your coffee mug in the retractable cup holder located on the front of your computer, which is right underneath the thing that looks like a TV. This keeps your desktop neat and tidy.

Good luck!

- Joe Nickell [1/14/98]

[Editor's Note] For more great TS stories, check out the Unofficial Alt.Tech-Support.Recovery website.