Telephone solicitors have had nearly a hundred years to perfect their craft, and today, with the help of special software and easily available databases, everyone's dinner hour is at risk. Coping with telemarketing hucksters has led to a number of common counter-attacks. Probably the most popular is the "fight-rudeness-with-rudeness" approach (utter a few impolite words, slam down the phone, sound a boat horn into the receiver, etc.) At the other extreme is the "enabler" who listens patiently to the pitch before politely declining.

Most of us are hard pressed to part with our leisure time, so why bother talking to these folks and getting all upset? You can do everyone concerned a big favor by installing a cheap Music-On-Hold system, such as the one available from Damark, and let a machine do the talking for you.

Here's how the device works: A small plastic box contains a telephone line interface with phone plug output and audio mini-jack input. Music-On-Hold comes with a splitter so all you have to do is put this device on your phone line via a phone jack. You can plug any audio source output into the input of the Music-On-Hold box. Once installed, any touch tone phone in your home or office can send a caller to Music-On-Hold simply by pressing the * (star) button on the phone. This activates Music-On-Hold, and when you hang up, the music continues 'til one of your phones is picked up or the caller hangs up. If no audio source is plugged in, an obnoxious electronic version of a popular Beethoven ditty is heard which would have made the composer thrilled at his deafness. To make silence be your Music-On-Hold (a moment of Zen for your caller), simply put a mini-phone plug into the input jack without attaching it to a music source. This disconnects the internal music chip.

I use the device connected to a small portable radio tuned to a local public radio station so that, most of the time, callers are treated to classical music or, in the morning or afternoon, NPR news.

You can be as diabolical as you like. Since you don't actually have to listen to what's being piped into the phone, take a look at your local FM band and find something completely inappropriate if you want (fire and brimstone preachers are always fun). As noted above, any audio source can be used. You can use a CD player, a shortwave radio, or a scanner tuned to your local NOAA weather station.

This might also be a good time to try your hand at some audio art. Take the output of a cassette player and feed it into the Music-On-Hold unit. Using your computer's MIDI capabilities you could put together a tape of some interesting sounds (or download audio files from the Net). By pre-recording a tape loop, you can harangue or soothe as you wish with your basement production. You can also record a message that repeats: "The residents of this house do not accept phone solicitations. Please remove us from your calling list." They are required by law to so at your request. Endless tape loop cassettes are available from Radio Shack and come in 15, 20,30, 60 second or 3 minute versions (RS 1998 catalog, page 5). All sell for $4.99.

The Music-On-Hold System is some of the best money I've spent. I've used the system for years and each time a scammer calls, I say, "Please hold," press the star button, hang up and enjoy thinking about them waiting and waiting, listening and waiting 'til it finally dawns on them, "This guy ain't coming back!" At which point, he or she hangs up and the phone service is restored. Since most solicitors are paid on a commission or per-call basis, they usually don't hang around for very long.

There are a few problems you'll encounter with Music-On-Hold. One is that you'll sometimes be required to use the * button on those ubiquitous voice jail systems. When you do hit the * button and your music comes online, quickly press the hang-up button on your phone and the music will disappear. Another problem is that there is a small relay switch in the device that sometimes does not disconnect the "hold" when the caller hangs up, rendering your line "busy" to subsequent calls. By simply picking up any phone on your line, you'll restore service to normal. And finally, after an electric outage, the relay may be stuck in the "hold" mode when power is restored. To reset the device to normal operation, lift any handset and determine that there's a dial tone. To test that the Music-On-Hold system is working again, lift any handset and press the * button. The music will come on and remain on for about 10 seconds before turning off automatically. This is also a good way to test the volume of your online device. Too much volume will sound distorted and too little will be difficult for the caller to hear. You can also call someone and adjust the volume while they listen.

Music-On-Hold is available from Damark (800-827-6767) and is item #6406-552625. The price is $59.99 plus $6.99 for shipping. If you are a Damark member, the price is $53.99. If are on the Damark mailing list you will see Music-On-Hold offered in some issues of their catalog marked down or with free shipping. You can call for a free catalog or visit Damark on the Web.

- Ken Reitz [2/16/98]

[Editor's Note: The current Damark catalog has a 2-line Music-on-Hold unit available for $40 (non-member). It's item #B-9087-552625.]